Being a parent is harder than most realize

Parents are people, and as such they have a finite amount of emotional energy and strength, which can easily get depleted by a rebellious teen. In fact, though you do love your teenager, you may find yourself feeling hurt, angry, resentful, distrusting, grieving, anxious, lonely, and so forth. You may also feel that your teenager is constantly trying to push your buttons, and that he or she is doing it all at once!

Teenagers are often moody

When parents get caught up in their own feelings, they may not be able to help their child deal with his or her emotions. Parents who are angry or upset themselves may lash out at their children instead of helping them understand what they’re feeling.

The traditional task of childhood is to move away from identification with family and to learn about the wider world beyond the home. Separation from their parents is absolutely essential and healthy at this stage; however, that separation must be balanced by the availability of the parents to continue to meet the child’s needs. Thus, this is an extremely challenging time for many parents. They feel as if the child is pushing them away, only to pull them back whenever they “want something” from them.

For adolescents to mature into adults who function effectively in society, they must feel comfortable within themselves and their families. They must know what they stand for and how they fit in with others. They should also understand that no matter where they go, they will always come back to their family. By staying close to home, teens can gain strength and stability as they grow older.

Tick tock

Parents often report that “time is running out.” When your five year old throws a temper tantrum, what you know as a parent is that you still have “endless” years in which to repair relationships and correct behavior. But when your teenager is fifteen, you realize that the years aren’t endless and that damage done by the relationship now may last into your child’s adult life.

Because families are safe launching pads for kids’ forays into the wider world, teens move in and out of them, and not necessarily according to parents’ plans. Your teen may refuse dinner, hide out in his or her bedroom; he or she may eat, sleep, and bathe with earbuds in. He or she may bicker about attending important family events, including weddings and funerals. And, when you think the teen is gone for good, there he or she may be, curled up beside you watching a movie or sitting quietly in the backseat during a long car ride.

You can view your teen’s behavior from this developmental perspective, and then depersonalize it – it’s not about your teen’s rejection or manipulation anymore; it’s an understandable and necessary part of his or her journey to becoming who he or she wants to be. It gets easier and more natural to respond to the ebbs and flows in your teens changing needs. And even when, sometimes, the change is to separate from you.